Hi, you can call me contradiction.

So he came over, he looked adorable from the outset and introduced himself to my mum. We laid on my bed and he pressed himself against me, I settled my head on his arm and within a few minutes he kissed me - no messing around this time. His kisses were teasing but tasted so sweet, his big hands started to wander and as he peeled off my clothes I began to feel nervous: did I really want this? 

Disappearing between my thighs, he teased me until my entire body was shaking uncontrollably. He laughed as I battled to catch my breath. 'I can't go any further, I forgot to bring anything' he whispered, indicating sex. I shook my head, lying, 'I haven't got anything either'. I did, in the drawer next to us, I just didn't feel ready. We pleased each other over and over before laying naked in one another's arms. Half asleep on his chest I enjoyed his scent and hearing his comforting voice with my eyes closed. He was absorbed in the television and seemed happy to just hold me, calling me a kitten as I kissed his neck, desperate for more playful attention. 

I told him I didn't like being touched whilst I was asleep and his response still stings me now 'that surprises me, you seem kind of clingy'. ME? CLINGY? I don't think I've ever been described as that before - I'm all for a cuddle, all for kisses and not leaving each other alone but it stays in the bedroom. I even have a problem with holding hands in public, let along full PDA. This is where our problem lies. After four hours curled up in one another, he had to leave. With one quick parting kiss he darted into the pitch black road, only for me to not hear from him until the following evening.

Now, I'm kind of annoyed that he isn't eager or even just being playfully flirtatious with me. One moment I think I want a relationship, the next I just want someone to have all the fun with, excluding the commitment. I think I need a PA just to organise my mind, dictate what I really want and make all these vital decisions for me. I'll have to decide in the next few days what I want from him and somehow word it without sounding like a filthy slut. Can I just be his 'friend'? He doesn't seem like my kind of boyfriend, although he is perfect for sex, laughing and cuddling. A recipe for disaster again? Probably. 

Thinking with my sexual desires will lead to disaster.