I bucked up the courage to talk to 'gym boy'. We've been texting none stop since Saturday morning; this is so surreal. He seems amazing: his smile knocks me off my feet, the cute things he says make me even more dazed. What does someone like this see in little old me? He told me he's been 'dying to speak to me' since I first smiled at him and I honestly think that was it: I've not touched the ground or stopped grinning since. 

On Saturday we're going to spend the evening together and I really hope it lives up to my expectations. As long as we laugh and smile together I think this could be the start of what I was hoping for. I want to experience our first kiss, I want to feel the way his heart beats and look at him with bright eyes in hope he'll kiss me again. 

I've never had this before - I've always dated people I know... People I've been friends with and grown to adore, this is so new to me. I like learning about him, discovering his favourite films and favourite foods. He's promised me a game of twenty questions on Saturday and i'm almost giddy to learn and laugh with him. I don't ever get this soppy. I am pessimistic about relationships: for some reason I have a feeling inside of me that suggests this might be worth throwing myself into.

Call me  a daydreamer , i'll be your believer. 

Well hello smiling stranger,

Sharing a smile with a stranger is therapeutic, almost causing a sudden rush of adrenaline as you wonder why they've caught your eye.

For the last three months I've exchanged sneaky glances and cheeky smiles with a young stranger who I refer to as 'gym boy'. My whole office are aware of what I like to call our 'relationship'. We bump into each other in the supermarket, walking across car parks and, unsurprisingly given his nickname, at the gym. He has deep black hair and I can't quite work out if his smile is flirtatious or just simply baffled as to why we seem to be following each other. It has got to a point now where I end up laughing when I see him. 

Whilst jogging next to one another a few days ago, without saying a word, I caught his eye and ended up giggling like a child. After wandering off to do some circuit training, he again came and stood next to me. Exchanging a quick glance he said 'hi'. The first words we've ever shared went a little like this. 'Hey, you seem to be following me' we both laughed and he stifled a 'it's the other way around isn't it?!' I laughed again and then rather than continuing the conversation, spun on my heel and walked away.

I'm almost certain it is against the unwritten 'gym law' to chat people up on a work out - I mean, why would anyone want to talk to me when I'm bright red, dripping with sweat following an intense cardio routine and lacking any kind of make up/tamed hair. It seems unlikely that he'd be attracted to me in that kind of state.

So when do I move forward with this? I start a new job on Monday and won't be bumping into him quite so frequently, if at all. Do I spark a conversation, if yes... What about? Jesus, what has happened to me, I've become shy and lack the ability to flirt effectively.... Hey baby, I like your muscles *insert creepy wink emoticon here*. Off I go to the gym again tonight... 

Thank you for your smile it will stay with me for a while.

Hi, you can call me contradiction.

So he came over, he looked adorable from the outset and introduced himself to my mum. We laid on my bed and he pressed himself against me, I settled my head on his arm and within a few minutes he kissed me - no messing around this time. His kisses were teasing but tasted so sweet, his big hands started to wander and as he peeled off my clothes I began to feel nervous: did I really want this? 

Disappearing between my thighs, he teased me until my entire body was shaking uncontrollably. He laughed as I battled to catch my breath. 'I can't go any further, I forgot to bring anything' he whispered, indicating sex. I shook my head, lying, 'I haven't got anything either'. I did, in the drawer next to us, I just didn't feel ready. We pleased each other over and over before laying naked in one another's arms. Half asleep on his chest I enjoyed his scent and hearing his comforting voice with my eyes closed. He was absorbed in the television and seemed happy to just hold me, calling me a kitten as I kissed his neck, desperate for more playful attention. 

I told him I didn't like being touched whilst I was asleep and his response still stings me now 'that surprises me, you seem kind of clingy'. ME? CLINGY? I don't think I've ever been described as that before - I'm all for a cuddle, all for kisses and not leaving each other alone but it stays in the bedroom. I even have a problem with holding hands in public, let along full PDA. This is where our problem lies. After four hours curled up in one another, he had to leave. With one quick parting kiss he darted into the pitch black road, only for me to not hear from him until the following evening.

Now, I'm kind of annoyed that he isn't eager or even just being playfully flirtatious with me. One moment I think I want a relationship, the next I just want someone to have all the fun with, excluding the commitment. I think I need a PA just to organise my mind, dictate what I really want and make all these vital decisions for me. I'll have to decide in the next few days what I want from him and somehow word it without sounding like a filthy slut. Can I just be his 'friend'? He doesn't seem like my kind of boyfriend, although he is perfect for sex, laughing and cuddling. A recipe for disaster again? Probably. 

Thinking with my sexual desires will lead to disaster.

Kissing Your Ex's Friends: Serendipity.

Serendipity is one of my favourite words, it was a fortunate accident that I dated Simon and he  broke my heart because I've met someone because of him. Whether he will play a large part in my future is currently unknown. I've always liked the idea of being in love and have only really experienced it once, everything else has been lust. I think after six months on my own, I'm ready to learn about someone new. I'm ready to take risks and reveal myself to someone, allow them to discover things about me that, right now, even I do not know. 

I'm ready to love & be loved in return: something I have never done before.

I'm really looking forward to seeing you tomorrow, the fact you say you are too makes me almost giddy. After a drunken kiss a few weeks ago, you invited me to come over. We laid on the sofa, side by side under a beautiful bay window like nervous teenagers. We laughed hysterically over nothing much and watched aeroplanes outside like they were fireworks. Casually pressed against one another, I stroked your arm and you held my hands but it took us almost an hour to kiss. 

You gave me a blanket to keep me warm and our heads settled together on the pillow beneath us. As I laid silently by your side, you pulled yourself closer to me and kissed me. Quickly, our clothes ended up on the floor and we were absorbed in one another. When I told you I wasn't going to sleep with you, you just smiled and hugged me into your bare chest, kissing my forehead and the tip of my nose. You complimented me on the fun we'd had and moaned that I was too much of a tease when I pulled away from our kisses. 

We curled up together, your strong arms around me. With you, I felt safe and like we'd have fun together. Tomorrow, we'll lay on my bed and smile together, watching rubbish TV and no doubt laugh endlessly. I hope we'll kiss and have the chance to play some more. 

I hope this is the start of my future; I'm ready to meet someone special. 

Parents say the funniest things

Last night my dad was having an in-depth conversation with his mother on the phone. They were debating and arguing. I, being the nosy little cow that I am, couldn't help but have a listen to what he was saying. 'Mum, I'm telling you, Spag Bol its just you know... Spaghetti in a bowl.' A little bit flabbergasted and assuming he was joking I waited for him to hang up the phone. 

Five minutes later when he huffed the phone down I questioned what on earth he was talking about. 'Dad, what do you think spag bol is an abbreviation for?' 'Spaghetti in a bowl' he said, no hesitation, no attempt to be funny, just a genuine belief. I tried not to laugh, my mum walked in the room at just the right time. 'Mum, quick, ask dad what the abbreviation for spaghetti on a plate is', confused she did so. He looked really puzzled and just replied 'spag pla?' To which I was left in a fit of giggles whilst he tried to explain himself, leaving my mum crying with laughter also. I don't know how I've managed to gain a decent education and can actually speak with a 48 year old father who doesn't know what Spag Bol is. 

So there you have it, who'd have know? Spag Bol means spaghetti in a bowl.

Reasons I Like Him/Shouldn't Like Him

As time goes on, it is becoming more and more apparent that I tend to always like the wrong boys and like them for the completely wrong reasons, namely because I just want to be liked. I have this problem in every area of my life - I find it really hard to understand why people don't like me and will go out of my way to make sure that I win people over. Anyway, my main issue at the moment? I have a major crush on my longest term (ex) boyfriends, old best friend. They are still 'friends' but not the kind that spend lots of time together, the kind that will meet up in a blue moon and have a really good night out. I think this is one of the reasons I like him, to be honest.

I like his hands, I've always liked nice hands. He makes me laugh, I turned around when I was with him a few weeks ago and he'd tied my scarf around his head like a member of the Taliban. Amusing, to say the least. My filthy mind doesn't affect him - the world will soon realise I have a male sex drive trapped in my female body, he seems quite happy to contend with this. He is tall and picks me up when he cuddles me. He even looks cute when he lays around in his trackies. When he drinks tea he doesn't take sugar or milk, just a teabag dunked in the water for a few seconds. He has nice arms and even just a quick cuddle feels amazing. Eskimo kisses are second nature. Sigh, why do I do this to myself?

He changes his mind too often. He feels guilty about my ex/his friend, even though we broke up over two years ago and he's moved on. He blows hot and cold, this time he seems more keen than he ever has before. He is the kind of guy that girls like. He doesn't seem to have girlfriends. His best friend told me he likes being single and he hasn't really ever known him to have girlfriends. His best friend is all for us - even though I've ended up in bed with him. That's a problem in itself really, I've ended up, very secretly, in bed with his best friend. I fall for people too easily and put myself too much on the line. Sigh, sigh, sigh some more.

He is coming over on Friday night. 

We'll kiss in bed & see where this journey takes us <3

I gave myself two weeks & last night I broke.

It happened, sooner than I had expected: he let me down. 

I haven't sat around waiting for someone in a long time, especially someone I am fully aware I don't have a future with, but yesterday, at the ripe age of 20 I went back to being a 14 year old girl. I waited all day for the appropriate time to call him, having sent a majority of the afternoon clock watching. When he answered, he told me he'd ring me back 'in a bit', to me, and I believe most of the human race, that means about 15 minutes or so. Apparently not. Two hours later he finally rings me and asks if I'd like to go to a mutual friends house, a little bit disgruntled I agree and arrange to go around in about 20 minutes. Just to get out of the house, I jump in my car and plan to drive the long way around, clear my head and calm myself down. Whilst driving I receive a text 'Nath needs to go to his mates, I don't know when I'm going to be around.. Shall we rearrange for one day this week?' I almost threw my phone at my car windscreen - this is just the start of a downward spiral. If he doesn't want to see me, just say? Surely... I ended up in my ex boyfriend's arms sobbing my eyes out over how lonely I am and how much I hate the male race. Thankfully, he is a genuinely amazing bloke and refused to take advantage of me, just gave me a cuddle and moped up the tears that came between my ludicrous sobs. So, this morning at work I gave him a call, one of a completely work related nature just to let him know that he'd pissed me off. 'You didn't text me back last night babe', to which I simply replied 'I know' and went on to talk about work, refusing completely to acknowledge that anything had ever happened between the two of us. I'll be honest, I don't know what I expected but it really made things seem real: being, *shudder*, the other woman will only ever end in tears. Thus, I've given up. I am no longer going to be her. 

To drown my sorrows I'm off for lunch in a moment with a boy who was once-upon-a-time one of my long term ex-boyfriend's best friends. Thankfully, they've drifted now but it still seems to scare him a little. We'll see how this one pans out.

My Favourite Three Moments With You

We've been friends for a long while now, a love hate relationship. We've holidayed together, cried together and ended up in bed together, just one too many times. We say our friendship has stopped us from ever taking things further but really we know it's because it would never work. 

1. Our first kiss is the most memorable kiss I have had. I had a boyfriend at the time, he'd cheated on me and I cried to you about it, drunk sat on the wall outside our local. Leaning my head on your shoulder you held my hands, I knew you didn't do this often and people always mocked you for never getting with girls. I looked at you, then at your lips and back up at you. "I can't kiss you, not  all the time you have a boyfriend." I looked disappointed and pulled my hands away. Sitting in silence for a few moments, I felt your hands on my face "fuck it" you said and we kissed. You text me that night, calling me babe, something you never did to anyone. I'll replay that moment over and over again in my head, probably even on the eve of my wedding day. 

2. Taking your virginity was an interesting experience. We haven't been strangers to ending up in bed together and fooling around, only for me to have to dress in last nights clothes and have a coffee with your mum in the morning. But this night was different. My parents were away and a few of us were having drinks in my living room. We started making cocktails, port and vodka, wine, rum and gin mixed up with ribena. You were offered a lift home but declined to lay in bed with me and watch Jerry McGuire, whilst a friend who was in love with me laid in the next room. We took a bottle of wine to bed, two glasses and stripped down to our underwear. We didn't even get to 'show me the money' before we were kissing. It was all over quickly but it meant so much. Afterwards you told me you didn't cuddle but I woke up in the night with your arms around me, when I dropped you home in the morning you kissed me on the cheek and didn't look back. I love how smug you are about this happening and how you tell all of our friends. I'm glad I got to share this with you. 

3. The Wedding night has played over and over in my head a few times. I'd been ill for quite some time, you'd tried to delete me out of your life to 'get over me once and for all'. At a friend's wedding we stood awkward in silence before you asked if you could talk to me. We were all a bit tipsy and adoring the moment of watching two of our friends settle down, forever. Outside we sat under star light, you sang the lyrics to my tattoo to me and explained why you'd tried to remove me from your life. I forgave you. Inside you asked me to dance, slow dancing, holding each other close we ended up kissing, gentle loving kisses. People talked about that and joked at how one day we'd end up together. I loved that night because it was the night we really forgot about our past. 

I love you, as a friend. I love you, as a hell of a lot more. You'll always hold a special place in my heart and I don't doubt we'll do all of these things over and over again. 

One day you'll regret not loving me too.